Envy will get you nowhere in life. Many people ask me: Is your gorgiosity natural, or is it fake? I tell them the truth. It’s fake. My face takes work. I’ve got a face like the road less taken. It’s always got a hole in it somewhere. Every morning when I get up I’ve got to lay down the asphalt. I plaster on the foundation, the powder, the blusher, the concealer, the eye shadow, the eyeliner, the mascara, the eyebrow pencil, the lip pencil, the lipliner, the lipstick, the lip gloss. … [Read more...]
Do I Look Fat In This?
The phrase ‘Do I Look Fat in This?’ was never originally spoken by a woman. It came from an ad campaign specifically targeting women, to get them to go out and buy a girdle. Which is an archaic fashion torture device that women used to lace and strap and cinch themselves into every single day. It was the original form of birth control. Thank god, we’ve come past that now. Now that we can go Spanx ourselves. Yes, people often want to make lifestyle changes … [Read more...]
Arse to 5 K: Prelude to a Miss.
A small flotilla of ducks regard me serenely from the lake as I begin a vigorous set of calisthenics to warm up. There are three of them, and all are still watching ten seconds later as I sit on a bench to pant and rest. One of them, whom I have dubbed Little Waddler, swims ashore to plop next to me, in expectations of Bickies. No, I say. No Bickies today. Today we are turning over a new leaf. Nay, not merely a leaf, … [Read more...]
Boarding House Reach!
"No two strangers ever sat down at my table that didn’t stand up as friends. The rules of the house are posted on the inside of your room door. I do not permit any food or drink in the rooms, and that includes alcohol. There is absolutely no sleepwalking permitted on my premises and excessive snoring will not be tolerated. The streetcar runs from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. and I lock my front door at 10.15. Not 10.14. Not 10.16. Precisely at 10.15. Never argue with a Brazil Square landlady. My … [Read more...]
Killing Time in Airports: Life in the Fog Lane.
Living in St. John’s means that in order to fly one first has to transcend the climate. Newfoundland-Labrador is extremely challenging for even the most determined traveler. A minor breeze of mist will ground the largest airlines while the smallest cigar sized plane will merrily bounce into altitude through the blizzard. The wait for delayed flights to either arrive or depart creates an excellent window for attending to the brutal details of life. Now is the time to … [Read more...]
Killing Time in Airports: Zen and the Lost Gates
In a Sufi fable, the lost Gates of airports live on in a murmuration of winged creatures, interfering with planes and occasionally manifesting as dense fog to obstruct flights. It is very stressful to be checking through security holding a boarding pass with no Gate indicated on it. This stress is only surpassed when you disembark from one flight knowing you have mere minutes to make your connecting flight, and your boarding pass still has no Gate indicated on it. Killing … [Read more...]
Killing Time in Airports
Most people are reluctant to leave paradise. They have to be dragged bodily from out of the swim-up bar. They linger over one more farewell fizzy cocktail, dear god please, and then what-the-hell another, just because. They savour one last lick from the tropical sun, already deep fried skin sizzles toward melanoma. They arrive red cheeked and boozy at the airport, trailing golden white sand behind like bread crumbs, except for the grains lodged in the crotch. Then there is … [Read more...]
I am reposting one of my first blogs from my Italy trip, to promote the play I was inspired to write by my trip to that wonderful place. At Leaside Manor this week, 3,4 and 5th! Show is at 7.30 pm. Presales at Eventbrite.ca, or cash at the door. Call 754-5800 to get your name written down! Thank you for re-reading. This trip was so influential for me. xo Buongiorno! Everything since we began our journey to Italy is a great big wonderful trick. We … [Read more...]
Mrs. Kent visits the Queen, en route to Cow Head.
We arrive half stunned and logy, exhausted from the maddening passions of Italy. London lies sprawled before us, the perfect wanton carousing drinking buddy. Italy was a morass of curving sensuality. London is a hard angled geometry set. Amy said, “We’ll take the chute”. And so we do. We careen along on the tube, never ever getting over the exhilarations of trains. When we finally spew upward to the streets we are swept up like the Newfoundland capelin we are and rolled … [Read more...]
This is the Cat.
Come hither, O mistress. Cast your lovely gaze to where I hang by a fragile claw from the top of the window coverings. This petite snag is unhappily interfering with my planned afternoon activity of licking beneath my left leg. Oh ho! Look how I make the jest! Alas. Sister-of-my-Heart is of no assistance as she is engaged in her afternoon activity of napping. Wherefore art thou, oh heart? I most anxiously await your blessed return. Perhaps you are in awe of my astonishing … [Read more...]