The man behind me in the line-up for security is not respecting the invisible electronic fence of my personal space boundary. He keeps bumping into me with his box of lobsters and inching his wheeled carry-on forward so that it looks as if it and I are going steady. If I lean backwards into him (and I just might oh why don’t I and show him) my knapsack will come to rest against his box of lobsters and together we will form a new type of interstellar being. Or, better yet, maybe I will grab his … [Read more...]
Vain and Undiluted!
Envy will get you nowhere in life. Many people ask me: Is your gorgiosity natural, or is it fake? I tell them the truth. It’s fake. My face takes work. I’ve got a face like the road less taken. It’s always got a hole in it somewhere. Every morning when I get up I’ve got to lay down the asphalt. I plaster on the foundation, the powder, the blusher, the concealer, the eye shadow, the eyeliner, the mascara, the eyebrow pencil, the lip pencil, the lipliner, the lipstick, the lip gloss. … [Read more...]
Do I Look Fat In This?
The phrase ‘Do I Look Fat in This?’ was never originally spoken by a woman. It came from an ad campaign specifically targeting women, to get them to go out and buy a girdle. Which is an archaic fashion torture device that women used to lace and strap and cinch themselves into every single day. It was the original form of birth control. Thank god, we’ve come past that now. Now that we can go Spanx ourselves. Yes, people often want to make lifestyle changes … [Read more...]